Hi.

Remember me?  Jenn?  I know, there probably aren't many of you left who still stop by to check on me.  I know this because my numbers have gone to crap, and the funny thing is, that doesn't matter to me anymore.  Yes, there was a time I was dropping 300 ecards every day, and visiting and commenting on many, many blogs.  These days?  I don't have time to breathe, let alone blog.  I miss it.  I really do.  I have met so many wonderful people through this blog who I can truly call my friends.  You know who you are....you have been keeping up with me on facebook.  Many of you have also stopped blogging to for one reason or another.

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, one of which is why I used to spend so much time online.  Looking back it's easy to see that I was using this blog as a way of connecting with people in a guarded way.  You see, I was very unhappy with my life.  I sat home all the time and never did anything.  I had a few friends, but no one I was particularly close with. I could be whoever I wanted to be on here, and I didn't have to keep my guard up all the time.  Words are easy to type...it was much harder to hide from the real world how much I was hurting.  My weight was out of control...I was tired of depending on other people for everything.  My marriage was in trouble for a while...though I got very good at pretending things were fine.  And maybe things were fine, but is that really a good way to live?  Being fine all the time?  I wanted to be happy...I just didn't know how to be.

Today, I am happy.  Truly and honestly happy.  I love being independent, though I still depend on my family and friends for support and the occasional car repair (Thanks Daddy!).  I love working, which is kind of weird,  but I think that has more to do with my job than anything else.  As hard as it is being a single parent, I think I have found my groove there.  Sure, we struggle, but it is worth it to be standing on my own two feet for the first time in my life.  I have never lived alone before, where I have been responsible for everything.  I went from my parents home, to an apartment with my sister and brother, back to my mom's house, and then I got married.  I am exhausted all the time, but in a good way.  I am still seeing my therapist, though we recently changed from every week to every two weeks because she thinks I am doing well.  And I guess I am.

I hope someday I will want to be in another relationship.  I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life.  But for now, my kids are my main concern, and there are still things I am learning about myself.  I still have weight to lose, though this summer has been "hold steady" for me.  That is not necessarily a bad thing, since in the past I have always regained weight by now.  I am still down almost 100 punds, and I haven't gained back anything I have lost.  I will be happy when these last 40 or so pounds are gone, but for now, I am just enjoying life and all it has to offer.

I mean, why shouldn't I?