After 69 Years Of Marriage...

I was listening to our local news today, and couldn't believe what I heard.  It seems a 90 year old man murdered his 85 year old wife with a hatchet.  Their grandson found his grandfather sitting in the kitchen (I believe) with the hatchet still in his hand, and his grandmother lay dying on the floor. At the time of the newscast, that was all the information they had.  You can read/watch about it here. 

I was talking to my mom about it, and we both agreed that he may have some dementia or something, and probably didn't know what he'd done.  Whatever the reason, it's very sad. 

I Feel The Need To write Something...

It's been a long, draining day. Spent two hours on the interstate, and if you know me at all, you know that means extreme anxiety. I rode the whole way to the dermatologist with my eyes closed. Coming home was better...less traffic...so I kept my eyes open. I don't know when I became such a freak, but this is just one of the many reasons why I don't drive.

Kasi had to have a biopsy done...she's a real trooper. She has a few stitches, and we will go back the day before Thanksgiving for stitch removal and pathology review. The doctor said she thought it might be something like scleroderma, and she also said something else but I can not remember what it was. It started with an H. We will know exactly when we go back.

I am looking forward to a day of relaxation tomorrow. That is, after I clean this house, do some laundry, scrub the bathroom, etc., etc., etc....

Friends

***I am keeping this post up top, because I like that people are connecting with it, and me. For newer posts, scroll down.

I was reading a post on Stacey's blog yesterday, and it really got me thinking. It was about staying in bad relationships, with a side of friendship thrown in. Personally, I have only been in two serious relationships, and they were (are) both wonderful. I have, however, witnessed bad relationships. I don't want to go into details, because they are not my stories to tell, but it does make me wonder what I would do if I found myself in an abusive relationship. (those of you who know me are probably laughing, thinking I would be the abusive one, not the victim...yeah, very funny...not that I beat people...I just have a very strong, opinionated personality...but I'm really shy...almost phobic...figure that out!) Would I be able to leave? I'd like to think so. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is why I don't have friends.

Now, I am not trying to make excuses, so if it comes out that way, sorry.

I am a big girl. I always have been. Sure, if I starve myself, I can get skinny, but as soon as I eat, I gain weight back. I have lived my entire life stuck in this cycle, and I pray every night that I can make the right decisions every day to change this. So far, no luck. It doesn't matter what I eat, good or bad, I have a very hard time losing weight. I know it's because I hate to exercise. I love walking, but can not do it where we live right now.

Anyway, as a big girl, I am very defensive. If I walk into a room, and someone laughs...even if it's not about me...I always think they are laughing at me. When you grow up constantly being made fun of, and told that you need to diet, you just assume everyone is like that. I know it's not always the case, but that's how I think. This makes it hard for me to be around people, especially people I don't know. I actually have anxiety attacks thinking about having to go to functions where I will be around a lot of people. In fact, there have been several family functions I have avoided in the past because of this.

Carson's birthday party last weekend was a big deal for me. Usually, I sit with my mom, and we don't exactly socialize with everyone else. My mom was in NY last weekend, so I was on my own. I actually made an effort to walk around and talk to Colleen's friends that I knew, and I surprised myself by having a good time. Was I self-conscience that whole time? Absolutely. But I made it through.

What does this have to do with not having friends? Well, when you put up these walls around yourself as a defense mechanism, it's hard to let people in. Sure, I have a couple of GREAT friends who I love to pieces, but it is not easy for me to let people get close to me. I always feel like I will say the wrong thing, or make an idiot out of myself. I hate talking on the phone, which doesn't help the making friends thing. Jenn sent me her phone number in an email last week, and I had an anxiety attack just thinking about calling. Would I love to talk to her? Absolutely. But I just can't pick up the phone. I know that sounds crazy. I know I have issues.

I have also been hurt in the past by very close friends, and I guess I believe that if I don't let people get close to me, I won't get hurt. Does that make sense? No, not really. All it does is prevent me from living a full life. Sure, I have my family, but since reading Stacey's post yesterday, I am starting to believe I am missing out.

Now please don't think I am nuts, because trust me, this is nothing. I haven't even discussed my restaurant aversions and the reasons I can't drive. Or why I would rather never have to leave my house ever again. I would make a happy little hermit, as long as Chinese food was delivered occasionally.