What To Blog About...

For as long as I can remember, this has been a blog about my family, especially my kids.  Now, my kids are my family, yet I am finding it hard blogging about them.  To do that, I would have to explain about what happened with my husband and I, and I simply can't.  Why can't I, you ask? 

That's a hard one to explain.  I don't want to intrude on my husband's privacy, for one thing.  And then there is the fact that if I try to explain, I may not come out looking all that good.  I know, you are surprised, because I am an awesomely wonderful person.  While that is true, I was not innocent in the breakup of my marriage.  I can honestly say that we are both to blame, but for different reasons.

I can say that I will always love my husband, just not in the same way.  We have been talking a lot, and there are things I am learning about him that I didn't know, and I think he feels the same way.  We have grown so far apart over the last couple of years that I don't think either one of us really knows who the other person is anymore.  A marriage can not work like that.

I am worried about my little Boo.  She is having the hardest time with this, and I think it has a lot to do with her age, and the fact that she loves her daddy so much, it is hard for her not to see him every day.  Bob calls every night to tell them all goodnight, which means so much to them.  This morning he came over to have breakfast with them, and I think they really enjoyed that.  Of course we had our own time to talk, and while it was emotionally draining for me, I think it solidifies the fact that we can actually remain close, even as we both move on with our lives.  I love that I can still talk to him about anything, and that he can do the same with me.

I can't believe it has only been a week since he left.  While part of me feels like he just left five minutes ago, another part of me feels like he has been gone for a while, and I think in a way, he has.  It's weird, but I feel like since he left, we have gotten closer than we have been in a long time.  I think the fact that we both know there is no chance of a reconciliation makes it easier for us to be honest with each other. 

Dang, I was telling you about Boo and off on a tangent I go...that seems to be my life these days.  Brandi is having a hard time accepting that we are not going to get back together.  It breaks my heart when she prays every night for her daddy to come home and stay.  I tell her every night that while God can do anything, she shouldn't get her hopes up.  I don't want to give her false hope.  I want her to learn how to accept this...I need her to.  I have been trying so hard to answer all her questions honestly (and so has he daddy) but sometimes, I don't know if my words are of any use.  Today, Bob and I both sat down with her and told her she could ask us anything, and we would answer her honestly.  Of course, her first question was wanting to know what a virgin is.  Ever since she has seen Twilight, she has been asking that question.  After refusing to answer her, she started asking serious questions, that we answered as best we could.  And I think between the two of us, we made her feel a little better.  She did cry a lot today, but I think she is learning to understand that tears are okay, and sometimes, crying does make you feel better.

I am looking forward to our therapy session with Elizabeth on Tuesday.  I am hoping she can find a way to explain things in a way that Bob and I can't.  I really do love my therapist, and I hope that we can find a way to continue to see her.  Money is going to be tight until I am working, but I know Bob will do all he can for us for now.  I really do think I will always have a place in his heart, just as he will always have a place in mine, and I know he wouldn't let the kids and I end up on the streets.  I do plan on moving in with my mom once this school year ends, and by then, I plan on working full time. Heck, I am hoping to be working as soon as possible.  I have to be. Right now, I know Bob is going to give me more money than he can afford to, and I am so thankful that he has somewhere to stay so that he can help me.  He is also happy there, and that makes my heart happy.

It really does.

Goodbye, Captain Phil

I was very saddened to learn this morning that Capt. Phil Harris of the Cornelia Marie, from the show Deadliest Catch, has died. My heart goes out to his sons, Jake and Josh, and the rest of his family.

I Got The Blues

I'm still feeling a little blue today. Still crying at the drop of a hat. Although the "hat" that made me upset this morning was the fact that my husband is clueless. He gets up, looks at me, and asks if I'm still mad at him. First thing, I'm not mad, I'm hurt. There's a difference. Second, Yeah, if I went to bed upset, good chance I'm still upset today. So I didn't go to work. He's over there doing it. I attempted to go. We were almost there when Junior asks again if I'm still mad. DUH, NOT MAD!!! So I got upset in the car and didn't feel like facing the public, so I came home and cleaned the house, started to mow the grass. I ran out of gas. My dryer quit and won't start back up. Smells like burnt rubber. Not a good sign, I know. So my day that started crappy is just getting crappier. I'm not sure how much more I can take. The kids are avoiding me. My sisters are all at the beach so I have no one to bitch to. I guess I'll just go nuts all by myself! What fun! Oh, and by the way, NOT PREGNANT!! So don't assume my mood is due to hormones!Yesterday I took Brandi back to the doctor for them to check her urine. The kid refused to pee. Tried and tried. After sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes, we went back to the waiting room so she could drink some tea. After a little while she said she had to use the potty. We go back again. She poops, but no pee. Unbelievable! So after another 15 minutes in th bathroom, I ask if we can leave and come back. The nurse said sure. So we go home. I made Boo drink a huge glass of water. 5 minutes later, she has to pee. I wanted proof. I wasn't about to drive all the way back to the doctors and her not go again. So I took her in the bathroom and told her to pee. When it started to come out, I had her STOP, and we ran back to the doctors office. (before you all think I tortured my child, we live not even 5 minutes from the office) Anyway, she finally gave them a sample. They called yesterday afternoon and said everything looked good. At least that was good news. The first time she had to give a sample, when she was about 3, I had a hard time getting her to pee in the cup. She finally did and we came out of the potty and the doctor and some nurses were standing there. I put the sample on the counter, and Brandi asks as loud as can be, "Who is going to drink my pee?". I thought the staff was going to roll out and die laughing. It WAS pretty funny.So I guess I need to get off here. Things to do. Rooms to clean. Husband to kill. Just kidding. Although.....

Unhappiness

I don't usually like to share when I am feeling down, but what is the point of keeping this going if I don't share the good with the bad, right? Either way, I am feeling quite unappreciated this evening. I made supper, crying, and no one noticed. I was upset. My family didn't care. Junior's back is acting up. He missed work last night and stayed home again tonight. I know it is hard on him. He wants to do things and get things done, but he can't. Not right now. He needs to give his back a chance to feel better and loosen up. So how does he deal? By yelling at the kids all day at the produce stand, and then at me when we get home. I am trying to get my house clean and my yard mowed and cleaned up, by Saturday, all by myself. No one does anything without being asked. They will pile the trash until it is falling on the floor, and then walk away. They drop clothes, shoes, whatever, where ever they take them off. Pick up a towel off the bathroom floor? No way. Wash a dish? I must be crazy. So tonight I've had enough. I fixed supper and then went to my room. NO ONE came to see why. I don't know what is up with them all, but I just feel like I do everything around here, with no help. And it gets old. Normally I don't ask Junior for help, even though he makes most of the mess. Normally I spend my time cleaning up after him. Well, today when he started taking his frustration out on me, I had enough. AND NO ONE CARED!!!!!Okay, I'm going to bed. Hopefully I will be treated better tomorrow. If not, I may be looking for somewhere to live. I can only take so much!

Bear didn't make it through the night. I'm telling the kids he ran away. I can't break Brandi's heart again. I guess I do lie after all.

My Broken Heart

I just finished putting Brandi to bed. The poor thing cried and cried because she wants Cake back. I can't find words to describe how I am feeling right now, so I will just tell you the conversation we had. I told Brandi that Cake was in Heaven. It took me by complete surprise when she asked what Heaven was. I assumed she new. I was wrong and it hurts me to realize that she couldn't comprehend any of it. I tried to explain how your spirit goes to Heaven, and she wanted to know what happens if you fall off a cloud. She wanted to know what part of Cake went to Heaven, her fur, her skeleton, her blood. I was at a total loss. She prays every night, I just never questioned if she understood who she was praying to. I grew up in church, and I guess I never realized what my kids are missing by not going. Wait, I know what they are missing, I just didn't grasp how important it is. I don't think I'm saying very well exactly what it is that I am trying to share. I guess it was kind of like an "A-HA" moment, where the light goes off and you see something clearly. Well, I see very clearly the impact God had on me and I want that for my children too. NOw, if I can just convince Junior to take us to church. ( I think you, Terra, will understand most what I am trying to say. ) Funny how it took a cat to make me see the way my life is, and how much I need to change it. Especially for my kids. I need some clarity, I guess is what I want to say. I need to know how to help Brandi understand and how to help her get past this hurt. I need to heal my own broken heart, too.

A Bad Beginning To A Good Day

My day started out pretty crappy. That's even putting it mildly. As I have mentioned before, we have a lot of outside cats. Junior hates them all, except one. Little Cake. If you don't want to be sad, you might want to skip to the next paragraph, cause what I'm gonna tell you sucks big time. Last night, Junior was getting ready for work when Jean called. I had forgotten to give her some medicine for Del when she dropped me off last night. She asked if Junior would drop it off on his way to work. So he rushes to get ready and off he goes. Two minutes later he knocked back on the door. He needed a lighter. He gets it, I shut the door, and off he goes again. This morning I get up and the car is out front but I can't find Junior. I look out the back and he is walking across the yard. When he comes in the front door, I ask what he was doing. Biggest mistake of the day. He breaks down crying and says he was burying Cake. I say, "did she get hit?", to which he replies, "I hit her." I ask how he knew it was him, and he said that last night when he left the second time, he thought he ran over a toy. When he pulled in the yard this morning, he saw that it was Cake. The cats usually run when he starts the car, but because he just ran in the house, he left the car running, and then just toook off without thinking about the cats. My heart is still breaking for him. He loved that kittie. I couldn't cry then because I didn't want him to feel worse than he already did. He also didn't want me to tell the kids. So through the course of the day, while at Del's, I was so worried about him. Junior has a huge heart, and it was broken today for sure. I eventually told the kids. Brandi was very upset because she named Cake and considered her to be hers. So I told her she could name one of Claires kittens and we would keep it. She named it Cupcake (with a little help from me). I did not tell them that Junior hit her. I just said she was hit and killed. So tonight, say a little prayer for my husband that he can forgive himself for what was clearly an accident.Enough sad stuff. I got to work (I'm just gonna call it that from now on cause it's easier) aroung 9 this morning. Del decided to run to Columbia to get fresh stuff, so he lowered all the old stuff to $1 a tray. That's a really good deal. Needless to say, I sold out rather quickly. Tim and Anita were up so Grumpy planned a cookout for this afternoon. I was gonna send Jr. and the kids, but Del got stuck in traffic and called and said he would be at least 5:30, 6:00 before he got back. So I closed up for a while and went with them. I made it back to work 10 minutes after Del got there. He had lots of good looking produce. We should make some money this coming week. The cookout was okay. If you are a member of that side of the family, I need not explain the day. It was typical somebody running their mouth and somebody else getting pissed. I ended up sitting and talking with Bobby. As two people married into the craziness, I think we've both realized it's best to stay out of things. I will help Joyce set things out and clean up, but I refuse to get involved with Grumpy and his bitching. It just pisses me off. I know that if I open my mouth, there will be hurt feelings, cause I would not be nice. Previous entries have given you a glimpse of how he treats my husband. I will not comment on how he treats other people, cause that's not my story to tell. I will say that I hope he changes before its too late. Anyway, it was nice to see my nieces and nephew. Brandon is so cute. I'm happy that at least now he remembers my name! I am almost done with my book. It is really funny in some places. I was sitting at the stand today reading and actually laughed out loud. The kids looked at me like I had lost my mind. The first book about this character was Odd Thomas. It was really, REALLY good. The second. Forever Odd, was okay. I think this one will end up as a really good one too. I'll let you know in a day or two. I guess I'm done for today. Please remember Junior in your prayers, and I'm sure you'll hear from me soon.