Suddenly, The Term "Single Mom" Applies To Me...How The Hell Did That Happen?

For the first time the other day, I referred to myself as just that, a single mom.

It felt weird on my lips.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were a happy family.  Or at least that is what we led everyone to believe.  Now, I am here, alone with the kids, trying to find a new normal for us.  The older two are doing good, but Brandi still has her moments.  Lots of them, actually.  Bob and I are both trying to be a supportive as possible, I just think it is going to take her some time to get used to the way things are going to be from now on.

I keep having people ask me if there is a chance of us getting back together.  When I tell them no, I usually get the same reaction...disbelief.  I wish they would believe me.  I know what is in my heart, and while I do still love my husband, it's not enough.  I am no longer in love with him, and I know he would say the same about me.  And that's okay. 

In the past two weeks, I have changed.  I am so much more confidant.  It's like I found all this self esteem I have had buried deep inside.  I am not sitting here, worried about my future.  I am doing things to make my future better for me and my kids.  I went yesterday and got my permit, and I can not wait to get my license and a car.  I am finding that I enjoy driving, and I am good at it.  My friend let me drive her around all day yesterday.  I have been applying for jobs...I just hate this having to wait for phone calls.  I really want to have my own money coming in so that I don't have to depend on Bob so much. 

I know I have tons of support from all of you, but please understand that I do not want to talk about what actually led up to Bob leaving.  If you really want all the juicy details (though you will probably be disappointed) email or message me.  I am going to try really hard to not let this turn into a "the road to divorce" blog....it is still going to be about my babies, who are no longer babies. 

For tonight, though, I am shipping the kids to their dad's so I can go out and have some fun....and I am really looking forward to it.  I deserve a little happiness.

What To Blog About...

For as long as I can remember, this has been a blog about my family, especially my kids.  Now, my kids are my family, yet I am finding it hard blogging about them.  To do that, I would have to explain about what happened with my husband and I, and I simply can't.  Why can't I, you ask? 

That's a hard one to explain.  I don't want to intrude on my husband's privacy, for one thing.  And then there is the fact that if I try to explain, I may not come out looking all that good.  I know, you are surprised, because I am an awesomely wonderful person.  While that is true, I was not innocent in the breakup of my marriage.  I can honestly say that we are both to blame, but for different reasons.

I can say that I will always love my husband, just not in the same way.  We have been talking a lot, and there are things I am learning about him that I didn't know, and I think he feels the same way.  We have grown so far apart over the last couple of years that I don't think either one of us really knows who the other person is anymore.  A marriage can not work like that.

I am worried about my little Boo.  She is having the hardest time with this, and I think it has a lot to do with her age, and the fact that she loves her daddy so much, it is hard for her not to see him every day.  Bob calls every night to tell them all goodnight, which means so much to them.  This morning he came over to have breakfast with them, and I think they really enjoyed that.  Of course we had our own time to talk, and while it was emotionally draining for me, I think it solidifies the fact that we can actually remain close, even as we both move on with our lives.  I love that I can still talk to him about anything, and that he can do the same with me.

I can't believe it has only been a week since he left.  While part of me feels like he just left five minutes ago, another part of me feels like he has been gone for a while, and I think in a way, he has.  It's weird, but I feel like since he left, we have gotten closer than we have been in a long time.  I think the fact that we both know there is no chance of a reconciliation makes it easier for us to be honest with each other. 

Dang, I was telling you about Boo and off on a tangent I go...that seems to be my life these days.  Brandi is having a hard time accepting that we are not going to get back together.  It breaks my heart when she prays every night for her daddy to come home and stay.  I tell her every night that while God can do anything, she shouldn't get her hopes up.  I don't want to give her false hope.  I want her to learn how to accept this...I need her to.  I have been trying so hard to answer all her questions honestly (and so has he daddy) but sometimes, I don't know if my words are of any use.  Today, Bob and I both sat down with her and told her she could ask us anything, and we would answer her honestly.  Of course, her first question was wanting to know what a virgin is.  Ever since she has seen Twilight, she has been asking that question.  After refusing to answer her, she started asking serious questions, that we answered as best we could.  And I think between the two of us, we made her feel a little better.  She did cry a lot today, but I think she is learning to understand that tears are okay, and sometimes, crying does make you feel better.

I am looking forward to our therapy session with Elizabeth on Tuesday.  I am hoping she can find a way to explain things in a way that Bob and I can't.  I really do love my therapist, and I hope that we can find a way to continue to see her.  Money is going to be tight until I am working, but I know Bob will do all he can for us for now.  I really do think I will always have a place in his heart, just as he will always have a place in mine, and I know he wouldn't let the kids and I end up on the streets.  I do plan on moving in with my mom once this school year ends, and by then, I plan on working full time. Heck, I am hoping to be working as soon as possible.  I have to be. Right now, I know Bob is going to give me more money than he can afford to, and I am so thankful that he has somewhere to stay so that he can help me.  He is also happy there, and that makes my heart happy.

It really does.

So, I Removed My Ring

I didn't take it off, though.  I just moved it to my other hand.  My engagement ring, that is.  I took off my wedding ring. 

It was time.

Bob came over tonight, and spent time with the kids.  They really needed that time with him.  We also found time for us to talk.  In fact, we talked for hours.  About everything.  How things got to where they are right now, and how neither one of us want a future together anymore.  I want him to be happy.  I love him, and I am pretty sure I always will on some level.  I mean, without him, I wouldn't have my kids, and as you all know, they are my world.  All I have ever wanted was to be a mom, and I am lucky enough to be the mom of three amazing kids. 

It was hard on Brandi to see us get Bob's stuff together.  I knew it would be, but it was something that needed to be done.  He found somewhere to stay relatively close, so he will be able to see the kids regularly.  In fact, he is going to come by again tomorrow.

I know eventually I will find the strength to write about what happened.  Maybe when it's not so raw.  Know what I mean?  I am in such a better frame of mind today.  I spend a good part of the day on the computer and phone job hunting.  I really want to find something I can do on weekends for now close to my mom's house, that way when I move over there I will already have a job to work full time.  I must have called two dozen or more different places, and only three of them gave me even a glimmer of hope, and none of those would commit to the weekend thing.  They said I would have to discuss hours during an interview.  I am trying hard not to get discouraged. 

I also have plans to go next Friday and get my permit.  Yes, you read that right.  Gulp.  Big gulp.  The funny thing is, I am so excited to learn to drive.  I know my fear will still be there....but I am determined to get over it.  My next biggest obstacle is going to be actually buying myself a car.  I am not sure where that money will come from.  I don't want to wait until next year, but the way things are looking, I don't think I am going to have much choice.

Don't get me wrong...I did a lot of crying today.  Not as much as yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow, I will cry even less.  I just get very emotional having to tell people what is going on.  And trust me when I tell you my phone has rung more in the past two days than it has in the past two years.  I love that everyone is checking on me.  I feel so loved.  I don't remember who it was, but the other day someone said that they can only imagine how alone I am feeling.  I don't feel alone at all, though. 

I am sad that I am losing my best friend, and of all the things I miss, I miss having someone to talk to.  My family and friends have been awesome listeners, don't get me wrong.  I just miss having someone to talk to about the boring day to day stuff. 

Okay, I guess I have rambled enough for tonight,  I am exhausted, and want to get some decent sleep.

I think I'm ready for that.

My "Wedding"

Junior and I have been married for 14 years. As my loyal readers probably already know, I never had a wedding; we were married at the courthouse. There is a huge part of me that is okay with that, because I would have an anxiety attack worrying about standing in front of all those people.

Then there is a little part of me that thinks I missed out on an important occasions in a girls life. My dad never got to give me away, I never had a first dance with my husband (not that I can dance, but still), my mom never got to make the dress we had picked out for me to wear (yes, we were actually planning our wedding but decided to cancel when I found out I was pregnant), and I never got to have a wedding cake. There was no bridal shower or wedding favors. There was no reception afterwords, just coffee and donuts at my mom's house.

I am thinking about having a small ceremony in six years, on our 20th anniversary, to renew our vows. Maybe then I won't feel like I missed out on anything. I have already picked out my wedding favors, too. I wanted something different, because everyone gives out the picture frames and candy covered almonds. I found this beautiful heart wind chime, and I can get them for as low as $3 each. I don't plan on inviting too many people, so I believe these would be perfect. I found them at partease.com. They have an awesome selection of all things party related, so check them out if you are planning a wedding, or any type of get together.

I am going to have to spend the next 6 years convincing my husband that this wind chime is the perfect favor. I want to have the ceremony outside, like we had originally planned, and I think it would be beautiful to hang the chimes all around, and then tell the guests to take one home when the reception is over. The only problem with that is that Junior hates the sounds of the chimes. But, it will be my wedding day, so I am sure I will get what I want.

Can you say diva?

Save Your Marriage

When I got married thirteen years ago, I vowed to love my husband in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, til death do us part. I took those vows seriously, and luckily we have had a great marriage. Some people are not as lucky as I am. The divorce rate in this country is ridiculously high, and I honestly believe it is because couples wait until their problems are too big to face the fact that they may need some help. It's hard to admit that sometimes you can not do it all yourself, and it's even harder to ask for some strangers help. I think it is very sad that people chose to walk away from a relationship rather than put some effort into working it out. At the National Institute of Marriage you can get the marriage counseling you need to save your marriage. You may even find out that it is better to end the relationship, but at least you could walk away knowing you did everything you could to save it. It is hard to turn to others, but when you are sick you seek medical attention. Why not seek a specialist to save the life of your relationship?

Press Release:

With the national divorce rate around 50%, there is no doubt that many marriages run into communication problems at some point. There is a communication epidemic. The National Institute of Marriage has created marriage counseling programs and resources utilizing a structure that is the most powerful format they have found for helping couples who feel stuck and hopeless. They have designed several programs to help couples move past the barriers and experience the marriage of their dreams.
NIM's Intensive Marriage Counseling Programs are unique from weekly marriage counseling in three distinctive ways:

· Intensive Marriage Counseling Format: Committing to an extended amount of concentrated time like the 2 or 4 day Marriage Intensive allows people to get to the root of the problem and stick with it in order to work through it. If you’ve been in traditional marriage counseling before, you may have experienced how you spend the first half catching up from the week before, the second half getting into the real issues, and then the time is gone. The Intensive format is designed so that people have the chance to go deeper without many of the other distractions of daily life and have enough discuss to consider solutions.

· Efficiency: One of the first steps in the process is an extensive assessment with some questionnaires. This allows the therapists to gather background information and can get an idea of the best strategy to proceed before you arrive for your session.

· Marriage Counselors: The counselors at the National Institute of Marriage are specialists in this area. One analogy we like to use is that of the Mayo Clinic: people go to their regular physician but may be sent to a specialist to work with specific areas. The NIM marriage therapists have been trained in this format to maximize its effectiveness. Also, the NIM marriage counseling programs provide the perspectives and insight of two professionals rather than one.
If you are considering divorce, you must try the National Institute of Marriage before giving up. They have developed a continuum of care that meets couples wherever they may be in their relationship. Regardless of the health of their marriage they have a service that can help couples improve their marital satisfaction. Visit their website at http://www.nationalmarriage.com. Read the incredible testimonies from the couples that saved their marriages by attending a Marriage Intensive at the National Institute of Marriage.

Need A Date?

The first time I met my husband was on a blind date. My best friend's husband's sister's husband was his best friend. I had just moved from New York to South Carolina, and didn't know very many people. I was working at a fast food restaurant, and met my best friend there. She claimed to know the perfect guy for me, and it turns out that she was right. I met my husband on December 22, and exactly six months later, on June 22, we were married. I don't think I am the only person in this world who needs a little help finding their perfect mate, the person they were destined to be with. With True.com, you can create a profile, and meet people who share your interests. I was reading some of their success stories, and it amazing how easy it can be finding your true love. It could be a smile, or common interests, or just a "feeling" you get from reading someones profile. Whatever it is, meeting people couldn't be easier. True.com even offers informative articles, giving advice on how to handle that first face to face meeting, and tips to keep you safe, online and off. So if you are still looking for that special someone, check out True.com. Since you can search for free and sign up for free, you have nothing to lose. You just might have a lifetime of happiness to gain.