Suddenly, The Term "Single Mom" Applies To Me...How The Hell Did That Happen?

For the first time the other day, I referred to myself as just that, a single mom.

It felt weird on my lips.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were a happy family.  Or at least that is what we led everyone to believe.  Now, I am here, alone with the kids, trying to find a new normal for us.  The older two are doing good, but Brandi still has her moments.  Lots of them, actually.  Bob and I are both trying to be a supportive as possible, I just think it is going to take her some time to get used to the way things are going to be from now on.

I keep having people ask me if there is a chance of us getting back together.  When I tell them no, I usually get the same reaction...disbelief.  I wish they would believe me.  I know what is in my heart, and while I do still love my husband, it's not enough.  I am no longer in love with him, and I know he would say the same about me.  And that's okay. 

In the past two weeks, I have changed.  I am so much more confidant.  It's like I found all this self esteem I have had buried deep inside.  I am not sitting here, worried about my future.  I am doing things to make my future better for me and my kids.  I went yesterday and got my permit, and I can not wait to get my license and a car.  I am finding that I enjoy driving, and I am good at it.  My friend let me drive her around all day yesterday.  I have been applying for jobs...I just hate this having to wait for phone calls.  I really want to have my own money coming in so that I don't have to depend on Bob so much. 

I know I have tons of support from all of you, but please understand that I do not want to talk about what actually led up to Bob leaving.  If you really want all the juicy details (though you will probably be disappointed) email or message me.  I am going to try really hard to not let this turn into a "the road to divorce" blog....it is still going to be about my babies, who are no longer babies. 

For tonight, though, I am shipping the kids to their dad's so I can go out and have some fun....and I am really looking forward to it.  I deserve a little happiness.

Besides My Kids, The Next Best Thing To Make Me Happy Are:

 

That's right, elephants.  I went to the zoo today with my mom, sisters, niece and nephews, and it was great.  I laughed.  A lot.  I teared up once, thinking how I would never do that again with Bob and the kids again.  But I didn't cry.  In fact, I haven't cried at all today.  

I have made so many plans, but I can't blog about it.  I can't share things here, but I have been writing.  I've been writing a lot, actually.  My sister gave me a journal for Christmas, and at the time, I didn't see the point of it because I blog.  I write everything here.  But since Monday, I have filled about 15 pages...maybe more.  I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to get up and check.  Anyway, I find it extremely therapeutic to write down all that I am feeling.  I write when Brandi is upset.  I write after I talk to Bob.  I write when my head is spinning out of control when I think about all the things I need to do in the next few weeks, months, maybe even years.  I write about my hopes for my future and the things I am afraid of.  Mostly, though, I write about hope.  I have so much hope right now.  I know Bob is safe, and on his way to being happy.  That makes me happy.  I may not be in love with him anymore, but I do love him enough to want the best for him.  

I know I need to redo the header up there.  I also have to change up my food blog...I am no longer feeding a family of five.  I am back to dropping ecards...well, I did it yesterday and today.  Not sure I'll get to it tomorrow.  My sister is visiting from NY this week (boy, does she have great timing, right!) and I want to spent time with her before she goes back this weekend.  

I am still having a hard time controlling my newly acquired ADD...I can not focus on anything for more than a few minutes.  This constant need to stay busy has lead to several walks around my neighborhood and an extremely clean house. The walking has led to some serious weight loss...about 10 pounds so far this week, and my house can pass a white glove test.  That's a good thing, right?