Still Friends

Did you know that every state has there own set of laws when it comes to getting divorced?  This is one of the things I have learned in the past year.  There have been many times when I have wished that my ex and I lived in another state where they do not have the one year separation law.   Here in South Carolina, a couple must be separated for a year before filing for divorce.  Unless, of course, you can prove adultery.  You all know that my ex moved in with his current girlfriend the day he left me.  According to the three lawyers I spoke with last year, that act alone would have been grounds to sue him for adultery.  Of course, they also advised me that PROVING he was cheating was something else entirely.  I am not sure about Arizona Divorce Laws, but here, I would have had to hire a private investigator to get pictures of him going to and leaving her house.  As long as he was in there long enough for something to have happened between them (if you get my drift) I would have had a case. 

However, I was also advised that in most adultery cases, the spouse who is cheating tends to play dirty, which can make getting my divorce expensive.  Since my ex and I were not getting along at the time, I knew he would try to lessen my child support, or even try to take my kids away from me, which he has threatened me with in the past. So, waiting for our year to be up was my best option, and honestly, I don't regret it, because right now, my ex and I are friends.  It's funny, really.  I talk to him several times a day, and most of the time it has nothing to do with the kids.  I still find myself calling him when I have good news about things, and he does the same thing.

I am hoping that we can continue this relationship, as friends, at least until the kids are all grown.  I have seen, and lived through, what it's like when parents split up and hate each other.  I don't want that for my kids.  Or for me.  

I Have The Papers

My dad printed out all the papers that I will need to finally file for divorce.  I've had them for about a week now, and honestly, aside from making copies (just in case I mess up I have extras!) I haven't even looked at them.  I have been so busy. Between working and the kids and Curves (I have a post in mind about that experience) and blogging, I don't have much time for anything else.  

I also think a part of me is worried that I will not be prepared, and the judge will throw out the case.  I don't want that to happen.  Not only because I really want my divorce, but I don't want to have to pay another $150 to refile.  From what my dad told me, the case is simple, because my ex and I agree on everything.  I have been getting the same amount of child support for a while now, and I'm doing just fine with it.  I don't need an Arizona Alimony Lawyer because I am not seeking alimony.  In reality, since I was a stay at home mom for so long, I probably could have been awarded alimony, but I would rather go out and work everyday and earn my own money.  I love my job, and I have never been happier. Not that being a stay at home mom wasn't an important job, but it's nice to get up every morning knowing I have something to do instead of sitting on the computer all day.

I plan on sitting down with my ex one night next week to go over the papers and fill out as much as we can.  Wish me luck!

Michael Masterson Can Show You How To Reach Your Goals

We all have things we need to work on in our lives.  Not one of us is perfect.  I know, that comes as a shock to some of you, because if you are like me, you really do think you are.

No, I'm kidding.  I know there are things I have to work on, the biggest one here lately is forgiveness.  A lot has changed in my life this past year, and most of it was not by my choice.  If you are a long time reader, you know that last February, my husband left.  When he walked out the door, he left me unemployed, without a drivers license, and basically, no hope for my future.  I can not tell you how thankful I was that I was already seeing a therapist, because without her, I do not know what I would have done. 

What I did was put on my big girl panties.  I got my license and a job within a few weeks, and I moved the kids and I to an apartment that I could afford on my own.  I learned how to support myself, and most importantly, how to depend on myself.  You see, I was dependent on other people all my life.  There was no reason for me to get my license because there was always someone to drive me where I needed to go.  Well, that I and my paralyzing fear of being behind the wheel.  I also didn't need to work, because even though we struggled financially, we made the decision for me to be home with my kids. 

I forgave my husband for leaving me.  A lot of people couldn't believe I did, but I knew right away that I couldn't live my life hating him.  I hate what he did to me, but I can't change it, so why let it consume me?  But, I am having a hard time forgiving the woman he left me for.  You see, she hasn't exactly been nice to my kids.  That is why I can't forgive her.  It's not the impact she had on my life that angers me but the impact she has on my kids lives. 

I found this video of Michael Masterson where he talks about achieving the goals, both professionally and personally, that you set for yourself.  You can even sign up for his Early To Rise program, which is an online email newsletter offering self help tips, online money making tips, goal setting, success secrets and healthier living advice.  I am going to sign up, because I need daily affirmations that I am doing the right things.  I want to be a success, not just professionally, but as a mom.  I also want to set a goal for the new year.  I know, you are rolling you eyes.  New Year's resolutions never last long, but I am going to try and forgive not just this particular woman, but all the people who have doubted me or negatively impacted my life this past year.  I have found happiness, and I don't want my unwillingness to forgive to get in the way of that. 

I love this new life I have created not just for myself, but for my kids as well. 

Getting Older

I am not afraid of getting older.  In fact, I am looking forward to turning 40 in February.  Weird, right?  Most women I know dread turning 40, but for me, I see it as a new beginning.  I will be getting divorced soon after my birthday, and I am excited about starting a new life as a single woman.  Sure, I'm kind of dating now, but nothing serious.  My kids have never met the guy I am seeing, and I want to keep it that way for now.  If, and that's a big if, we ever do get serious, then I will let the kids meet him.  But for now, he is all mine, and I am enjoying ever second of it.

When I do get older, hopefully I won't be alone.  I hope to someday, maybe, get married again.  I would hate to think that there isn't someone out there I am meant to be with.  I do want to grow old with someone, and be able to look into senior living communities with a husband someday.  I want to have someone by my side when I play with my grandkids.  I want to have someone who will be by my side when I am wearing adult diapers and drooling on myself.

For now, though, I am going to play.  It's fun.

Maybe I Need A Boca Raton Divorce Attorney

I am sure all of you know by now that my husband and I plan on getting divorced as soon as we reach our one year anniversary of being separated.  In South Carolina, that is a requirement for a divorce.  Personally, I think it's ridiculous since we both know there is no future for us, and we have moved on with our lives.  I think we are both looking forward to February of next year, and I am sure one of us will file as soon as possible. 

We have already split all our possessions, and there really isn't anything we fought over.  I have custody of the kids, and he gets to see them as often as he likes.  We said from the beginning that we wanted to remain friends, and after a few rough months of adjustment, I think we might be there.  Now, this doesn't mean we will vacation together, or do research About Boca Raton as a place to retire together, but this afternoon, I hung out at his house for a bit while Ryan helped him do something to his van.  In fact, just last week when my car was in the shop he offered me the use of one of his vehicles while mine was being repaired.  

I am not sure how the divorce proceedings will go, because I want to go through attorneys and he doesn't.  I can see his side, because like I said, we pretty much agree on everything, but there is a part of me that wants to make sure we cover everything.  Hiring a Boca Raton divorce attorney or someone local just to make sure we have everything in order doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.  I believe that we can even use the same one, therefor saving some money. But like I said, I'm not sure what is going to happen.

Checking Out Drug Rehab Centers In Florida

I have been doing a lot of research online lately about divorce.  Do you have any idea how much information there is out there?  It's hard to know what to believe, because different sites say different things, and it can get very confusing.  I am at the point where I am going to throw up my hands and worry about it later, when it is closer to our year being up.

That is the one thing I am sure of - that we will wait a year to file for divorce.  I wish we could do it sooner, because let's face it, we are both ready to move on with our lives.  But, it is what it is.

It makes me wonder, though, how celebrities can get such quick divorces.  I know most of the time there are special circumstances, like drug use and infidelities, but it's still not fair.  Maybe if I pretended to be a drug addict and did some time in one of the drug rehab centers in Florida I could get a quick divorce.  Then I would be free to date again, and maybe find someone new.  I am looking forward to having first kisses again.

In all fairness, I know that treatment centers that serve as primary residential treatment really do help people who struggle with addiction.  The worst thing I have ever struggled with was smoking, and I know how hard it was for me to quit that.  I can not even imagine how hard it would be for someone to give up a drug addiction.  Finding somewhere that you can get help is an important part of that process, I'm sure.

For me, though, waiting a year for my divorce will have to do.  I know it will go by fast.  I can't believe the past six weeks have gone by as fast as they have. 

Look What I Got!!!!!

 

Thanks to the generosity of my dad and his wife, this is mine.  All mine.  Isn't it beautiful? It's a 97 Mercury Sable.   If it wasn't raining this morning I would have taken better pictures, but I just had to share.  I am so excited!  I love driving it, and the kids think it's awesome that they can say, hey mom, let's run to the store, and off we go.  I can not tell you how much I am loving my new found independence.  I keep saying I feel like a teenager again, and in a lot of ways I do.  I am having all of these new experiences, and I love it.  Yesterday, I had two different people (who I haven't seen since the split) tell me how happy I look.  In fact, one friend who didn't even know about the split said I was glowing, and then she was really dumbfounded when I told her the reason why.  I don't know why some people are finding it hard to believe that I am happier than I have been in a long, long time.  

Now, if I could just find a job, things would be perfect.

Hey! How Have You Been?

Me?  Oh, I've been great. 

Yesterday marked three weeks since my husband left, and I am feeling good about the decisions I have been making for myself.  I am still a little worried about how Brandi is handling things, but I also have faith that in time, she will be okay. 

I have been busy, which is a nice change for me.  I have been doing a lot of driving, and am thinking about taking my driving test in the next few weeks.  I'm not going to say anything before, that way if I fail I won't feel too stupid.  Today, while driving, I came upon my first license checkpoint.  The policeman was so nice.  I was impressed that I didn't get all nervous...I was actually laughing with the policeman.  I am seriously amazed at my confidence these days.

I'm still swimming most mornings, and I love it.  It's not only relaxing...it is also toning me up a bit.  This morning we did almost 2 hours.  Then we went and had lunch at one of those places where the chef cooks the food right at the table.  I've never been to a restaurant like that before.  In fact, I have been doing a lot of things I have never done before.  It's nice to have friends who can afford to treat me nicely. 

For the past 16 years, I have been nothing more than a wife and mother.  For those 16 years, I didn't think I needed anything more.  I am finding out these days that I also need to be a woman.  My kids will always be the most important people in my life, but it's so nice to have adult conversations and hang out with people who expect nothing of me.  I love doing what I want, and not having to answer to anyone.  I was telling someone the other day that I almost feel like a teenager again, only this time, I am enjoying myself.  When I was an actual teenager, I was miserable.  These days, I am happy.  Seriously happy.  Sure, I have my moments where things seem completely overwhelming, but I am living my life one day at a time, and that seems to help.

I need to start packing up my house, but I can't.  I feel like if I start, it makes all of this real.  I don't want to leave this house...it's my home.  Sure, it has some memories in it, but they are happy memories.  The kids are looking forward to moving, because they can't deal with the memories.  I am looking forward to living with my mom, but I wish I could afford my own place right now.  I am craving independence.  I know, it seems like I am talking in circles, and that is how I feel most days...like focusing on one thought is just too much.  Keeping busy helps with that.  Writing here helps a bit, but I find it hard to sit here at the computer.  I need to be moving; doing something. 

I had an interview last week, but I don't think anything will come of it.  I need something that pays more than minimum wage, and until I have a car of my own, I don't really have reliable transportation.  I feel like I am trying to do too much too fast, and I need to be taking baby steps.  I need to let the kids finish this school year, get settled at my moms...but in the meantime, get a car and a job.  I want to be working as soon as possible. 

See...this post is exactly how my brain has been working lately.  A jumbled up mess of confusion. 

Suddenly, The Term "Single Mom" Applies To Me...How The Hell Did That Happen?

For the first time the other day, I referred to myself as just that, a single mom.

It felt weird on my lips.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were a happy family.  Or at least that is what we led everyone to believe.  Now, I am here, alone with the kids, trying to find a new normal for us.  The older two are doing good, but Brandi still has her moments.  Lots of them, actually.  Bob and I are both trying to be a supportive as possible, I just think it is going to take her some time to get used to the way things are going to be from now on.

I keep having people ask me if there is a chance of us getting back together.  When I tell them no, I usually get the same reaction...disbelief.  I wish they would believe me.  I know what is in my heart, and while I do still love my husband, it's not enough.  I am no longer in love with him, and I know he would say the same about me.  And that's okay. 

In the past two weeks, I have changed.  I am so much more confidant.  It's like I found all this self esteem I have had buried deep inside.  I am not sitting here, worried about my future.  I am doing things to make my future better for me and my kids.  I went yesterday and got my permit, and I can not wait to get my license and a car.  I am finding that I enjoy driving, and I am good at it.  My friend let me drive her around all day yesterday.  I have been applying for jobs...I just hate this having to wait for phone calls.  I really want to have my own money coming in so that I don't have to depend on Bob so much. 

I know I have tons of support from all of you, but please understand that I do not want to talk about what actually led up to Bob leaving.  If you really want all the juicy details (though you will probably be disappointed) email or message me.  I am going to try really hard to not let this turn into a "the road to divorce" blog....it is still going to be about my babies, who are no longer babies. 

For tonight, though, I am shipping the kids to their dad's so I can go out and have some fun....and I am really looking forward to it.  I deserve a little happiness.