What To Blog About...

For as long as I can remember, this has been a blog about my family, especially my kids.  Now, my kids are my family, yet I am finding it hard blogging about them.  To do that, I would have to explain about what happened with my husband and I, and I simply can't.  Why can't I, you ask? 

That's a hard one to explain.  I don't want to intrude on my husband's privacy, for one thing.  And then there is the fact that if I try to explain, I may not come out looking all that good.  I know, you are surprised, because I am an awesomely wonderful person.  While that is true, I was not innocent in the breakup of my marriage.  I can honestly say that we are both to blame, but for different reasons.

I can say that I will always love my husband, just not in the same way.  We have been talking a lot, and there are things I am learning about him that I didn't know, and I think he feels the same way.  We have grown so far apart over the last couple of years that I don't think either one of us really knows who the other person is anymore.  A marriage can not work like that.

I am worried about my little Boo.  She is having the hardest time with this, and I think it has a lot to do with her age, and the fact that she loves her daddy so much, it is hard for her not to see him every day.  Bob calls every night to tell them all goodnight, which means so much to them.  This morning he came over to have breakfast with them, and I think they really enjoyed that.  Of course we had our own time to talk, and while it was emotionally draining for me, I think it solidifies the fact that we can actually remain close, even as we both move on with our lives.  I love that I can still talk to him about anything, and that he can do the same with me.

I can't believe it has only been a week since he left.  While part of me feels like he just left five minutes ago, another part of me feels like he has been gone for a while, and I think in a way, he has.  It's weird, but I feel like since he left, we have gotten closer than we have been in a long time.  I think the fact that we both know there is no chance of a reconciliation makes it easier for us to be honest with each other. 

Dang, I was telling you about Boo and off on a tangent I go...that seems to be my life these days.  Brandi is having a hard time accepting that we are not going to get back together.  It breaks my heart when she prays every night for her daddy to come home and stay.  I tell her every night that while God can do anything, she shouldn't get her hopes up.  I don't want to give her false hope.  I want her to learn how to accept this...I need her to.  I have been trying so hard to answer all her questions honestly (and so has he daddy) but sometimes, I don't know if my words are of any use.  Today, Bob and I both sat down with her and told her she could ask us anything, and we would answer her honestly.  Of course, her first question was wanting to know what a virgin is.  Ever since she has seen Twilight, she has been asking that question.  After refusing to answer her, she started asking serious questions, that we answered as best we could.  And I think between the two of us, we made her feel a little better.  She did cry a lot today, but I think she is learning to understand that tears are okay, and sometimes, crying does make you feel better.

I am looking forward to our therapy session with Elizabeth on Tuesday.  I am hoping she can find a way to explain things in a way that Bob and I can't.  I really do love my therapist, and I hope that we can find a way to continue to see her.  Money is going to be tight until I am working, but I know Bob will do all he can for us for now.  I really do think I will always have a place in his heart, just as he will always have a place in mine, and I know he wouldn't let the kids and I end up on the streets.  I do plan on moving in with my mom once this school year ends, and by then, I plan on working full time. Heck, I am hoping to be working as soon as possible.  I have to be. Right now, I know Bob is going to give me more money than he can afford to, and I am so thankful that he has somewhere to stay so that he can help me.  He is also happy there, and that makes my heart happy.

It really does.