Strength

 

See those three faces right up there?  They are the reason I found my strength.

In a few days, it will be six months since the day my husband left.  Six months.  Some days it seems like only yesterday, but most days, it seems like eons ago.  I can not believe how much my life has changed since then.

If you read this blog before then, you know how much I depended on my husband.  I depended on so many people for so many things.  I always thought I was independent, but I wasn't.  Not even close.  I was 39 years old, and I had never lived on my own.  I never drove a car.  I worked, but only part time.  I was never responsible for my own finances.  I was overweight...hell, I was obese.  I lived my life inside the four walls of my home...and we had many homes over the 16 years I was married.  

The day my husband left, I fell apart.  Not because he was gone, but because I didn't know what I was going to do.  I remember calling my sister that day, and her coming over to get me.  She found me in a ball, on the floor, hysterical.  I just kept asking her "what am I going to do?".  How was I supposed to take care of my kids when I had no money coming in (other than child support), no car or license, no hope?  

A week or so later, I was determined to get my act together.  How could I not?  I got my permit, and learned to drive.  I applied for dozens of jobs.  I knew I had to find a cheaper place for the kids and I to live, and planned on moving in with my mom.  

My husband and I fought.  It was an adjustment figuring out how life was going to work from then on out, and we had a hard time agreeing on things.  I think, looking back, we both wanted the same things, we just didn't know how to get there.

Today, I can say that I am an independent single mom, and I have never been happier.  I love going to work every day.  I love having a place for the kids and I that I can afford on my own.  It would have been easier to go and live with my mom, but I wanted to stand on my own two feet.  I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't broken.  Sure, I have needed help from time to time.  I don't know what I would have done if my dad and his wife hadn't help me out with a car, and my mom has been my rock...someone I can talk to and vent to...who understands what I am going through.  I have realized that in order for me to be a good mom, I have to be happy.  I have to take care of myself.  I have learned that I am worth something.  I can be beautiful.  In fact, I have learned that I am beautiful, inside and out.  Sure, losing all this weight has helped with the outside view of myself, but I have also learned to be a better person on the inside.  I used to be so unhappy, and I think I let that make me distant from people.  I was unfriendly and self-conscience all the time.  I was afraid that someone would see past the guards I had put up, and I didn't think I could handle that.  Now, I am not afraid to show my feelings.  I am happy, and I think that shows.

So, in six more months I can get my divorce.  My husband and I have gotten to a place where we no longer fight.  It's not worth it.  He sees the kids as often as he wants, and he talks to them every single day.  We may not have been destined to stay together, but he is a good dad to our kids, and I really can't ask for more than that.  It's funny...there was never a question of us getting back together.  Neither of us wants that, and I think that makes it easier for us to be friends.  And I think that is exactly what we are right now. 

I still have things to work on...don't we all?  But, those faces up there give me the motivation to keep doing just that.  My therapist asked me once what made me decide to get my license and face my fear.  I told her I didn't have a choice.  She said I did have a choice, everyone has choices.  In my mind, I could have either let my kids down, or I could show them how strong I really am.

They are my world.  They are my strength.  And they are the reason I faced my fears and became the woman I am today.