***I am keeping this post up top, because I like that people are connecting with it, and me. For newer posts, scroll down.
I was reading a post on Stacey's blog yesterday, and it really got me thinking. It was about staying in bad relationships, with a side of friendship thrown in. Personally, I have only been in two serious relationships, and they were (are) both wonderful. I have, however, witnessed bad relationships. I don't want to go into details, because they are not my stories to tell, but it does make me wonder what I would do if I found myself in an abusive relationship. (those of you who know me are probably laughing, thinking I would be the abusive one, not the victim...yeah, very funny...not that I beat people...I just have a very strong, opinionated personality...but I'm really shy...almost phobic...figure that out!) Would I be able to leave? I'd like to think so. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about is why I don't have friends.
Now, I am not trying to make excuses, so if it comes out that way, sorry.
I am a big girl. I always have been. Sure, if I starve myself, I can get skinny, but as soon as I eat, I gain weight back. I have lived my entire life stuck in this cycle, and I pray every night that I can make the right decisions every day to change this. So far, no luck. It doesn't matter what I eat, good or bad, I have a very hard time losing weight. I know it's because I hate to exercise. I love walking, but can not do it where we live right now.
Anyway, as a big girl, I am very defensive. If I walk into a room, and someone laughs...even if it's not about me...I always think they are laughing at me. When you grow up constantly being made fun of, and told that you need to diet, you just assume everyone is like that. I know it's not always the case, but that's how I think. This makes it hard for me to be around people, especially people I don't know. I actually have anxiety attacks thinking about having to go to functions where I will be around a lot of people. In fact, there have been several family functions I have avoided in the past because of this.
Carson's birthday party last weekend was a big deal for me. Usually, I sit with my mom, and we don't exactly socialize with everyone else. My mom was in NY last weekend, so I was on my own. I actually made an effort to walk around and talk to Colleen's friends that I knew, and I surprised myself by having a good time. Was I self-conscience that whole time? Absolutely. But I made it through.
What does this have to do with not having friends? Well, when you put up these walls around yourself as a defense mechanism, it's hard to let people in. Sure, I have a couple of GREAT friends who I love to pieces, but it is not easy for me to let people get close to me. I always feel like I will say the wrong thing, or make an idiot out of myself. I hate talking on the phone, which doesn't help the making friends thing. Jenn sent me her phone number in an email last week, and I had an anxiety attack just thinking about calling. Would I love to talk to her? Absolutely. But I just can't pick up the phone. I know that sounds crazy. I know I have issues.
I have also been hurt in the past by very close friends, and I guess I believe that if I don't let people get close to me, I won't get hurt. Does that make sense? No, not really. All it does is prevent me from living a full life. Sure, I have my family, but since reading Stacey's post yesterday, I am starting to believe I am missing out.
Now please don't think I am nuts, because trust me, this is nothing. I haven't even discussed my restaurant aversions and the reasons I can't drive. Or why I would rather never have to leave my house ever again. I would make a happy little hermit, as long as Chinese food was delivered occasionally.
9 comments:
I am totally with you. For some different reasons, but I am the same as you. It is hard to overcome. And sometimes, when you do put your faith out there and try, you run the risk of getting hurt, and when that happens it is so very very bad. But I am learning that sometimes the risk is worth the rewards. It is so easy to tell our kids that it doesn't matter what others think of them, but so hard to listen to it ourselves, isn't it? I don't care what age you are, that is a hard motto to live by. Because for some stupid reason it does seem to matter. But you seem to have a great family and friends. I would focus on them. And take it from me, get out now and again. I am the little chinese loving hermit crab too. My hubby used to fear I would get agoraphobic until I met my friend! It was awesome that you shared all of this!
Get out of the house, take of you. Most women report that they don't have a support network of friends and that they feel lonely much of the time, you aren't the only one who is experiencing this. The internet keeps us connected to each other but it isn't the same as going out shopping with your best girlfriends. I'm one to talk, I rarely see live friends anymore, but I'm trying. Good luck.
Well if you're nuts then that makes me nuts too. I'm the same way, maybe for different reasons but the same. You at least have a couple close friends, you have me beat. I know a lot of people but have no one that I hang out with or talk on the phone with or anything. I guess I've just been through too much in life that I don't trust anyone and I have really really tall walls built up all around me. I think there might even be a moat on the other side....lol
Thanks, ladies. I knew I wasn't the only one out there like this. Maybe we should start a club or something? lol!
I don't have any friends, except the wonderful relationships I have developed here on the internet. And I know I am crazy. So? Where do I sign up for the club?
I LOVE you for sharing that!! It takes a lot to put yourself honestly out there and I totally respect you for doing that! I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, but I think I did.
And by the way...I didn't realize that Chinese food was still delivered! It's not here in NC and believe me, if it was? I'd probably go out a lot less often!!
Does it make you feel better that there are so many people out there feeling the same way? I know it sure helped me just reading your post and all the wonderful comments you received. Thanks for the wonderful post and putting yourself out there.
Jenn - We all have our own hangups. Even those with the best bodies, have insecurities. You are not crazy for this. (You might be crazy... but not for this.) Thank you for sharing. I agree with Stacey that it is very difficult to put yourself out there for the public to see.
Stacey - Chinese is still delivered here in GA. :-) It's a life saver on those days when I really want something good to eat but don't want to hassle with getting everybody dressed and out the door.
I have my own phobias, too, and besides, I just like staying home. I'm a very solitary person, but ironically, I am outgoing in other ways. It makes no sense to me why I am the way I am, but I relate to your situation. If I walk in a room where people are laughing, I assume it's about me. I wonder why we grow up with such fears as that? Logically, we know we're being silly, but emotionally, we still fear rejection.
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