I have issues. I know I do, and I'm okay with that. There are reasons why I don't drive, and probably never will. There are reasons why most days I prefer not to leave the house. I try to be a good friend, sister, daughter, and mother, but some days I fall short. Some days I fall very short.
I try very hard to not let the little things bother me. I try not to be jealous, but sometimes it is very hard not to be. I don't mean jealous, like of other women or anything like that. I am secure in my relationship with my husband, and I know he would never do that to me. In fact, I am sometimes the one who points out the hot chick in the short skirt and skimpy top. Yeah, I'm weird that way.
And maybe jealousy isn't even the right word. Here's my current issue...finding old friends on facebook. It's great catching up, but I am always kind of embarrassed that we are struggling financially, while they are all living in beautiful houses. I don't want to tell them that the five of us are living in a two bedroom dump that is falling apart, and we don't have the money right now to move. I want to be living in a nice house.
Now, I know I should be happy that my family is healthy and happy, and I am. I so am. I know my husband works so hard for the money he makes, and I do my part, too, while still being home for the kids every day. We made sacrifices, and while I don't regret the decisions we have made, I wish we had bought a house years ago, when we were first married, instead of renting, and getting so far into debt that we can not see a way out.
It's been almost 15 years, and I feel like we are right back to where we were then. It's like we have not moved forward at all, except now the kids realize that we can not afford to do all the things they want to do, because most of the time we don't have the money. I was looking at modern platform beds the other day, wishing I had the money to get one for Junior and I when we finally do move. I was looking at bunk beds for the girls, too, but that's not going to happen either. The money we get back at tax time is already spent, paying off people we owe money too, and moving. I am hoping there will be enough left for a laptop, but who knows. I may have to wait another year.
Ug. I don't know what prompted me to write this. I know it sounds whiny. I don't mean it to be. I just feel better getting things off my chest, and writing here is kind of therapeutic.
5 comments:
I'm right there with you. I have some dear friends that I reconnected with through FB and they have wanted to get together but they are all living in mini-mansions with husbands with PhD's and whatnot and while I have a GREAT marriage and wonderful kids, I am ashamed of our small house, the fact that I'm unemployed and that my husband is just a painter and not working much these days. I'm sure that there is a possibility that it won't matter to them, but it's something that I can't get passed.
I think there is a ton of us out there. My husband is not working I'm working but don't make much. We are always telling the kids "sorry we can't do that, we don't have the money". We live in a nice house. Only because my parents gave it to us. It takes everything we have to keep it warm and food in it. But all and all we are happy and we are not sick. I count those blessings everyday. Hang in there and don't feel bad we all love how warm and sweet you are.
Hon, I also understand your pain. I raised my kids by myself and it was a struggle keeping food on the table and a roof over their head. Yes, i did get a little child support each month but it was barely enough with my job as a hairdresser. Now here I am, 52 years old, remarried and living in a tiny apartment because my husband has been furloughed from the railroad for the last 2 years. I dream of the day when we live in a nice little house so that my granddaughter can play in the yard and have her own room when she visits. We all have dreams, but not all of them can be answered. Ask yourself this though, are your friends all truly happy? Do they have the loving family you have? Do they have the loving support from their husbands as you do? Everyone yearns for something, that is part of what makes us human. Count your blessings and kiss your children and hold them close to your heart always.
I absolutely understand how you are feeling, and no you do not sound whiney to me. You sound REAL. its so nice when bloggers write about the real things in life. It makes me feel that I am not alone. Even though I will never meet you in real life, it feels so great to know I am not the only one who feels the way I do.
I'm with everyone else. Don't feel bad about letting it out on the blog. What better place to vent than right here. We all feel this way at times, even those people who appear to have the perfect life. Just human nature. By the way I've been dreaming about a laptop too, maybe we'll both get one soon :)
Post a Comment